Three in this Marriage

Photo Credit |  Tyson Dudley  on  Unsplash

Photo Credit | Tyson Dudley on Unsplash

Were you to ask what my favourite number is, I’d answer in a flash: 3.

We talk about a world of duality. Some argue that it’s non-dual. It’s neither and both to me - a trinity of three in one, one in three. Why do we keep speaking of ‘binary’ as if it underpins life?

It’s odd, because wherever I look with my two eyes, there’s a third element: ‘seeing’. I experience hot and cold - two opposites - to know the third element, ‘temperature’. It’s hardly surprising that we’re so good at forgetting this when it comes to love, seeing only two lovers rather than the love that unites them!

Even in the last post, where door and doorway represents two parts, they come together and proved one entry/exit point…

The traditions, rituals and systems I’m drawn to the most are rooted in this sense of three in one or one in three: Biodanza facilitating integration of head, heart and hips; the trinity of father, mother and child, and the three elements to making tea (heat, water, tea). But most of all is the one easiest to forget, which Rumi ever reminds us of:, the marriage of Beloved, Lover and love.

This is no contractual marriage of two. It is the invitation to be ‘three in this marriage’. To welcome the ‘other woman’, the Magdalene, the Mary, the Mother who - if we let her in - anoints bride and groom with the oil of consecrated gentleness, liquid love.

These foundations embrace this trinity of love, life.

To be unselfconscious is a wonderful thing. It’s a word which my spelling dictionary doesn’t recognise but when we are it we’re unaware of it - although joy and ease betray its presence! This third resting point of consciousness and unconsciousness is a sense of Being, of ‘one-self’ without division between subject and object. Unselfconsciousness reigns.
— Pearl's Pearl

There is another trinity which - to me - gently removes the mask of ‘ego’ from trying to place itself and allows it to lose itself in ‘unselfconsciousness’.

We could call this element ‘true Self Consciousness’ but that, too, would be a misnomer for it would leave unconsciousness out of the equation and no doubt blow our beautiful minds. ‘Unselfconscious’ has a simplicity and accuracy which says it for me.

When I am unselfconscious, time is replaced with Being.


Krishnamurti once said ‘the seeing is the doing’. For forty odd years this sentence flummoxed, confused and disturbed me. Then I got it. I’d missed the trinity in doing and not-doing. I’d missed the third element of the completion of the two coming together in Being (or as he calls it ‘seeing’).

What puts division or time between the seeing and the doing is the sense of ‘I’ having to act, trust, change, do in order to make a necessary movement or connection. If I stop trying (a form of doing) to be (future wish) more kind, happy, ecologically responsible, concerned for the other [put your pet kindness here….] and bring inaction or not-doing to the table, the miracle of action in non-action, doing in non-doing occurs. This ‘seeing’ is the doing and engenders the completion of what’s arising to be simultaneously. All seems a bit ‘woo woo’ until you experience it!

And when we do experience this magic of life, we usually call events miraculous or the evidence of synchronicity. What can this look like? Here are a few recent examples, I gave up trying to record them as they became more and more everyday:

Sauntering into a cattery asking a question about a piece of land nearby and being stared down by a work opportunity which met all my needs, including the possibility of cats in my life without owning one. Allowing love to be present in a conflict and seeing the conflict to evaporate before our eyes. For someone whose details I’d lost to walk into a cafe at the precise moment I was releasing myself of the worry of not being able to contact them… We have all had these kinds of experiences.

It can feel scary to invite ‘the other woman’ into our relationship with life, especially relationships! It denies opportunity to having a script to rely on or an outcome to depend on. And yet what’s removed is in the process is the fear of fear - there is no room for it.

As Daniel Skach-Mills says in the Tao of Now’:

Acting without acting,
reciting without rehearsing
it’s like the curtain
going up and going down
all at the same time.’

It’s also irresistibly magical and it’s here, now. Three in one, one in three: Lover, Beloved, Being Love.

We’ve dived deep. Feels like time for some tea and cake